Today you are 5 weeks and 3 days old! From the moment you arrived on January 8th, 2018 at 12:43pm, you’ve been such a joy to your mama and me. That’s not to say we haven’t had our frustrations, you’ll know what I mean someday if you decide having a child(ren) is for you, but loving you and our family makes it all worth it.
You and your Mama just after you were born… the first of many crying faces đ
The moment I first saw you I had the incredible warm, happy, loving feeling wash over me. Though I had heard plenty of parents describe the feeling of first meeting their children, the magnitude of experiencing that feeling yourself is truly difficult to put into words. Just know that I have and will always love you, no matter what.
Short trip to the NICU, look how adorable you are!
As you grow up there will likely be times where you’re mad, confused, questioning why things are the way they are and, to be clear, that’s part of growing up and just about everyone goes through this. I can remember times I was angry with my parents, wanting to do things they wouldn’t let me, thinking I understood more of the world than I likely did, and just being a typical pain-in-the-ass kid, and I’m sure you’ll feel the same towards me at some point(s) in your lifetime. My hope would be to share these letters with you when you’re older so that you can better understand who I am, better understand your mother and your family, and perhaps shed some light on how you became the person you are today (which, by the time you read these letters, will be long after most of them have been written). I hope to do this on a more frequent cadence, the fact that it took me nearly two months to start is disappointing to me already, but forgive me if I don’t. You and life have a way of keeping my hands full, but I promise the number of letters has no correlation to the volume of my love for you. Until next time…
I suggest reading the following when youâre not at work and when you have a few minutes to spareâŚ
When the doctor left the examination room with my friend to take X-rays and samples I couldnât help but worry as the solitude and silence dragged on for nearly an hour. I was relieved when they returned but could tell by the look on the doctorâs face that the inevitable words that would break the silence were not going to be good. âHe has Lymphoma,â the doctor said, noting that âit is the best type of cancer for him to have.â I fought back tears as the doctor began to discuss the diagnosis and explained to me the short-term plan: he would prescribe a weekâs worth of medication and I would come back the following Saturday to assess the results and discuss a long-term plan with the Oncologist.
I recall a few moments of numbness as I began to process this information before my emotions began to take hold of me as I realized that Jack had no concept of the severity of the situation. He had no way of understanding his condition or what that would mean for his near-futurE. I will admit heâs not the sharpest tool in the shed, itâs not his fault that he doesnât know what words like âLymphomaâ and âcancerâ mean. After all, heâs a dog.
I had managed to keep myself fairly composed until I saw my sister and could tell she had already shed some tears. She works at the VCA hospital and had received the news about Jack before I saw her in the lobby. We sat there crying for a few minutes and I couldnât help but be amused at the fact that we were both a wreck as Jack sat there wagging his tail, sniffing everything and expressing a strong desire to go interact with all of the other dogs in sight.
Ciella, Jack and I returned to the doctorâs office a week later to hear the results of the blood and sample tests and review treatment options with the Oncologist. She was extremely personable, honest and helpful in answering any questions we had during this difficult conversation. We left the office with the plan of beginning injection chemotherapy the following weekend. Starting that form of chemo gives him the best statistical shot at maintaining a high quality of life for as long as possible. We will continue this treatment as long as he responds well to the chemo and assess his condition on a weekly basis moving forward.
To say that ignorance is bliss would be a bit of an understatement as far as Jack is concerned. Heâs just as happy, energetic and wiggly as ever, perhaps even more so because of the steroids, and I wonder if itâs better that way. I, for one, believe that at this stage in the game him not knowing what is going on is exactly how I would WANT to feel if it were me in his paws. However, what really makes this whole thing so difficult is that when the time comes and his body begins to give way, there is nothing I can do or say that will let him understand what is happening.
While the last two weeks have been rough, especially since Iâve been pretty hush-hush about this, it has given me and others a rejuvenated appreciation for his joy, goofiness and love of life and love of others, both canine and human alike. I sincerely wish I couldâve found a better and quicker way to spread the news but I needed some time to figure out the details so I could share as much information with you all in an effort to limit having to answer too many questions on an individual basis.
Ciella has begun creating a bucket list for Jack and we are certainly open to suggestions. I can assure you he will get to the beach, eat plenty of treats, and receive a lot of love in the coming months. It is comforting to know that he has the love and support of so many uncles, aunts, friends and family members. I cannot describe what it will be like to lose such a close friend and luckily weâve got some time left together, but I can assure you that the following quote is just the tip of the iceberg for me and Jack:
âWe’ll be Friends Forever, won’t we, Pooh?” asked Piglet.
I am not depressed. Iâve never been diagnosed with depression. Because of this I cannot speak to what life is like with depression and I certainly do not intend to do so. I am not a psychologist, therapist, doctor or any sort of professional who can speak on a scientific level about the subject, nor do IÂ want to try. Iâm merely a human trying to find a way to express my thoughts and feelings about mental illness, depression and suicide.
The passing of Robin Williams has received a lot of attention and rightfully so. He was a man who played so many roles that made us laugh, cry, ponder life and FEEL. Feel the emotion of a father desperate to spend time and connect with his children, a man trying to reconnect with the joy and imagination of childhood, an aspiring doctor who believed that laughter was a great (if not the best) medicine, and countless other characters that anyone with a shed of compassion and love in their heart could relate to. In hindsight, I believe his personal struggles with mental illness, which many people may have been unaware of, allowed him to connect with his characters on another level, making his performances masterpieces, from John Keating to the Genie.
The news of his suicide has once again brought the mental illness and suicide discussion to the forefront of peoplesâ minds. I would imagine that to those struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, people calling this tragedy a choice is disrespectful and ignorant. The truth is that nobody really knows why he would take his own life. Trying to speculate on his intentions and decision-making process is not only unfair to him, but more importantly, irrelevant. Nobody knows the thoughts running through his mind in his final moments except for him. No one has the right to judge or to call him selfish because doing so does nothing to help the next person.
I cannot say that I knew that he was depressed. In the last few days Iâve learned that he had recently checked himself into rehab in an effort to maintain sobriety. His struggles were none of my business and truly nobody elseâs business except the people he chose to let in on his secrets. To me, the fact that I didnât know about his battle with depression only speaks volumes towards the strength he had and the legacy we should acknowledge that he is leaving behind.
Mr. Williams was a man who had the gift of bringing joy to othersâ lives so easily. He accomplished so much on the screen and gave so much to everyone around him: his friends, family, fans and community. He was passionate about acting, passionate about people and clearly wanted to be a positive influence on the world. He believed that making people laugh was an accomplishment in itself, and we all know he was one of the best at it.
“Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, The Marx Brothers. Comedy is a great art when it works. I’ve never seen anything funnier than Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor, that scene at the dinner table. That alone should get an award if you are just talking about sheer funny but they are always talking about “well, is it meaningful?’ Well, sure it’s meaningful if you come out and you had a great laugh”
You may choose to let his suicide and mental illness be how you remember him. Or you can look at all of his successes, accolades and the immeasurable laughs and warm feelings he brought to the world DESPITE his illness. I honestly think he should be considered a role model and one of the faces of the mental health discussion. He struggled for decades with his illness and still did so much to have a positive impact. We should be praising him for the example heâs been, for showing the world that someone dealing with depression and addiction can still be a light in the world to others, even if he canât be that light for himself.
As the mental health discussion continues in the coming days, I would encourage people to consider reaching out to someone who may be struggling. Be the light for someone else who may need one at this very moment. Listen to people, empathize, be human. Become familiar with the warning signs of suicide so you can hopefully recognize when someone may be crying out for help. More importantly, if you are someone struggling with depression or suicide, please get help. There are a lot of resources, hotlines and people who are willing to listen and help. I beg you to reach out to me, if no one else, before doing something drastic.
“My battles with addiction definitely shaped how I am now. They really made me deeply appreciate human contact. And the value of friends and family, how precious that is”
Robin Williams was not a child (with regards to age) who had his whole life ahead of him. He had already created so much for us to remember him by, and undoubtedly could’ve done so for many years to come. I hope his life can motivate us to maintain a constant discussion of mental health throughout the future. If his passing can inspire people to press on, to overcome their struggles and find a way to have a positive impact in the world, or if it encourages even one person to seek help, I believe heâll be looking down from the front row seats in heaven with that beautiful smile on his face.
âTo quote from Whitman:
âOh me! Oh life! …of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless–of cities fillâd with the foolish;
…What good amid these, O me, O life?
                                     Answer.
That you are hereâthat life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.â
What will your verse be?â
-Robin Williams as John Keating in Dead Poetâs Society
I love sports. I love playing sports. I love watching sports. I love the atmosphere at a sporting event. The energy you can feel just by being there. The excitement of competition and the rivalries that can make you jump for joy or sometimes leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth. I think my favorite thing about sports is how it can bring such diverse communities together. Whether youâre white or black, rich or poor, young or old, when you see people out on the street sporting your teams colors, all it takes is a head nod or a âGo [whoever]â to create a bond. Itâs that easy.
The World Cup begins this week in Brazil and, for a brief moment in time, our nation gets to root for the same team. Much like the Olympics, we get to be on the same side, sharing a common goal. To me that is very special because it has the potential to be such a positive experience for all of us. It saddens me to say this but I feel that we, as a nation, rarely get to experience such unity. Think about this century, post Y2K life in America. There are very few times I can recall where Iâve felt that we as a country stood together and bonded over something. The Olympics (8 of them so far) and World Cups (4 if you count this yearâs) are big ones and are certainly very positive contributors to our national pride (despite whatever the outcomes were) but I think they pale in comparison to one particular tragedy.
I can remember rolling out of bed, possibly behind schedule for my morning routine, and being called into my parentsâ bedroom where the television was on the news. As the TV came into sight, images of people running in the streets, planes crashing into buildings and towers collapsing became engrained in my mind. I can recall a brief moment of confusion before I could really process what had happened. I went to school and everyone was speechless. How could this happen to us?
The events of September 11, 2001 left us in a state of shock and fear. We were afraid because we didnât have answers to the questions of who would do such a terrible thing and, more importantly, why? Fear lies in the unknown, in the darkness, and can be all-consuming, especially in moments of loneliness and isolation. But as the dust settled and hours turned to days something began to change. People began to realize that they werenât alone in their fear and that all of us were in this together. We, as a nation began to cope together and slowly that fear that left us feeling alone and scared began to bring us together. We bonded in our communities, pulling out our American Flags and posting them in front of our homes, on our cars and on our clothing to show our neighbors that we stood with one another, together, in unity. Despite the tragedy we would not let these events tear us apart and make us weak, but we would use these events to strengthen our bond and make us a more solid country. We would get back on the same team as a nation, as a community and as a people.
As the years have passed that feeling has dwindled down. You can see it in how divided our leadership is and how we have ignored the needs of the most important people in this nation: ALL of us. Every single one of us. We have such advanced technology, medicine and innovation yet we do not have the ability to provide and take care of the basic needs and rights of our citizens. We are so connected and have so much exposure to the world than in the days before the internet, television or even radio, yet we continue to ignore the desperate cries of those sitting next to us. Weâve become obsessed with instant gratification that we neglect to even consider long-term consequences of our actions, or worse, our inactions.
Just hours ago another shooting occurred at a high school just outside of Portland, Oregon. The story seems all too familiar to other recent events that took place in Las Vegas and Isla Vista: innocent victims who were killed; innocent victims with physical and undoubtedly emotional wounds; and a guilty culprit (or two) who cannot take responsibility for his actions and is no longer alive to shed light on the darkness that transpired. More families and communities have been broken at the hands of a person whose intentions may never be quite clear. How could this happen? Gun control advocates will have something to say as well as mental health advocates and they have every right to do so. I, like so many others, am angry, saddened and scared and I believe SOMETHING must be done but, unlike so many others, I donât believe itâs something legislation or the government can really fix.
These tragedies are problems that every single citizen needs to take responsibility for and we all need to take ownership in coming to a solution. These tragedies will not go away with the simple signing of a law. Itâs our responsibility as citizens of this free nation to make acceptance, cooperation and understanding a priority. We need to show one another respect, love and compassion so that future generations believe that itâs the right way to act. We need to care for one another; to empathize so that we may understand those who are hurting; to be aware of those around us and have the courage to speak up and take action when we know something or someone isnât right. Our youth are growing up in a society where these tragedies occur so often that they will believe it is just the way things are here. HERE! In the United States of America! How is that acceptable to us? How are we standing by and letting this be the new norm?
We need to change our mentality in this country; we need to refocus on achieving a common goal and we need to firmly believe that we can attain that goal together. James Truslow Adams was an American writer and historian who, in his book The Epic of America stated that the American dream is âthat dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability of achievementâŚIt is not a dream of motor cars and high wagers merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position.â
Imagine that we live in a society where we work together to achieve this dream. Where we respect and care for one another so we could all reach the top together. When will we as a nation start to truly act that we are, in fact, on the same team? When will we see each other on the street and nod to one another, knowing that we share a common goal. How many tragedies will it take to make our bonds as neighbors, as Americans, strong enough to start actually caring about the well-being of every citizen? How can we expect our youth to respect and love one another and embrace the beautiful diversity that our freedom affords us if we cannot show them how to do so?
We cannot go back in time and change history to prevent what events have already transpired. We clearly havenât done enough to keep these tragedies from occurring but to give up now or continue to ignore our fundamental problems could perhaps be the greatest tragedy of all. I pray for the day that apathy disappears, sympathy is no longer needed and, most importantly, empathy is an American way of life.
mattbbaum 